5 Even Awesomer Facts About the Coast Guard
I used to be in the
Coast Guard, and no one thought we were dangerous.
But that’s just a clever act we put on. Beneath our candy-coated (sometimes literally) exteriors beat the hearts of true warriors: an unstoppable force that’s scoured the seas since the days when sailors fought with sword and musket.
We’ve been there in every war, in a hundred
different capacities, with our unique weapons, brash ingenuity, and rare
skillsets, to make sure the job got done and America stayed safe.
But that’s just a clever act we put on. Beneath our candy-coated (sometimes literally) exteriors beat the hearts of true warriors: an unstoppable force that’s scoured the seas since the days when sailors fought with sword and musket.
To show you what I mean, I made another list.
FIVE EVEN AWESOMER FACTS ABOUT THE COAST GUARD
1. The Coast Guard’s weapons are too dangerous for
war
Whenever we deploy to a warzone, the Department of
Defense won’t let us carry our normal loadout. Why? Because like the A-bomb,
napalm, and weaponized smallpox, the Coast Guard’s most-effective weapon is illegal
in combat.
Because it's technically a chemical weapon, pepper spray falls under the same category as mustard gas under the Geneva convention, and so it can't be carried into battle.
Of course, if you, like me, have ever been pepper
sprayed, you might sympathize...
2. The Coast Guard built an atomic lighthouse
If someone asked you how to power a lighthouse – an object that’s
essentially a large Christmas light pointed out to sea – you’d probably answer with
something sane, like batteries or whale oil. But apparently, once upon a time,
the Coast Guard decided to try radiation.
There was actually pretty good reason for this,
though: lighthouses often sit a couple miles off the coast, or are located in
remote, harsh parts of the world that aren’t easy to get fuel or power lines to.
Having a power source that essentially never runs out and never breaks down saves a lot of time, money, and manpower. So in 1964, the Coast Guard experimented with a small,
strontium-powered reactor installed in Baltimore Light. Although it was
perfectly safe, it didn’t provide much benefit, and they removed it two years
later.
The Soviets, meanwhile, built 300 of the things
all along their coastline during the Cold War.
(That would be just fine, I
suppose, but now the Russians apparently can’t find them all)
3. Minelayers were based on buoy tenders
What’s the deadliest ship in the Coast Guard’s
fleet? Believe it or not, it’s the black hull.
Before it was integrated into the Coast Guard, the
Lighthouse Service was responsible for managing all of the nation’s buoys and –
yes – lighthouses. To maintain them, it operated a large fleet of tender ships:
ships with heavy cranes, low freeboard, and a lot of carrying capacity to haul
supplies or buoys.
But these ships had another purpose: they could
plant mines. During the Spanish-American War and World War I, the ships of the
Lighthouse Service carried out almost all of the work of laying coastal
defenses – including laying submarine nets and mines. They also hauled supplies
and ammunition to remote outposts and sailed with Navy fleets. On a few occasions, they even saw combat, and two tenders (both future Coast Guard cutters) were credited with capturing Spanish warships.
The Lighthouse ships were so effective that when the Army was looking to
build its own minelayers a few years later, they used buoy tenders as their
template. Because as we all know, they’re good at protecting waterways.
4. The Coast Guard literally fights sea monsters
In 1933, off the coast of New Jersey, the fishing
boat Miss Pensacola II came under
attack from a 5,000-pound, 20-foot-wide manta ray, after the ray became
tangled in the Pensacola’s anchor
line. The manta fought so hard it nearly sunk the fishing vessel, and the Coast Guard had to intervene to keep them from going under. It took 22 shots from a high-powered rifle to finally put the poor creature out of its misery.
...Okay, I know I’m kind of sympathizing with the manta here, but we’re the
Coast Guard. We may protect people from sea monsters, but we’re also
responsible for their conservation.
5. One Coastie captured 22 rum runners by leaping
onto their ship
In the 1920s, the Coast Guard’s loyalty was tested
when it was ordered to enforce Prohibition. Being the dedicated service that it
is, it answered the call and sailed the coastline in search of rum runners.
The night before Independence Day 1927, as Ensign
Charles Duke and his two crewmen patrolled New York Harbor, they spotted a
small steamer moving through the darkness toward the shoreline. The steamer
looked rundown, its sides rusty and its lights dim, although the name on the
stern looked freshly painted. Duke’s boat intercepted the steamer and asked it
to heave-to for inspection, but the captain refused to stop. Duke fired two
warning shots from his pistol, but still the vessel didn’t yield.
Duke gave chase. When his skiff drew close, he
grabbed the railing and flung himself onto the steamer’s deck, telling his
crewmen to ready the machine gun. He forced his way into the cabin with nothing
but a flashlight and a revolver with only three bullets, and ordered the master
to stop once more. When the master said no, Duke seized the ship’s wheel and
turned the steamer onto Robbin’s Reef. With the ship aground, Duke told his waiting
boat crew to go for help at the nearest Coast Guard station.
As it turned out, Duke had captured the infamous
rum runner Greypoint, which had sailed
from Halifax under a false name. Onboard the ship were 3,000 barrels of smuggled
alcohol worth over $50,000. Duke single-handedly captured all twenty-two crewmembers,
seized thousands of gallons of liquor, and probably ruined someone’s 4th
of July party.
But I’m sure he took his crew out afterward to celebrate.
So by now you should
understand that the Coast Guard isn’t here to mess around. We’re a tough, serious
service and have been since the days of Alexander Hamilton. We carry powerful weapons and fight sea monsters, we stop smugglers and handle deadly explosives.
You should be afraid of us.
Very afraid.
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